Musings


*Author’s note: Click on the words in green throughout this article for links to related video and audio clips and supporting articles.

________________________________________________________________________________

 

         

by Bob Langham

 

Whether you believe he is dead or not, the thirty-first anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death (or disappearance for the non-believers) is this week. I’m personally a believer. I think he is gone or he would have cashed in on the Reality TV bonanza like so many other former rock celebrities (Brett Michaels, Gene Simmons , and Ozzy Osbourne ) whose fame sadly faded with their age and the age of their groupie pools.

Is it too far of a stretch to imagine if Elvis had not died that he would have been the perfect subject for a pathetic reality show centered on him?  I could see him, overweight, shuffling around Graceland in a prescription drug induced stupor, wearing sequined Dickies coveralls,

and a cape made out of a jumbo pillowcase clothes pinned around his neck. He would probably be crooning some of his favorite songs through the halls of his mansion as hangers on still cling to him trying to cash in on what, if anything, is left of his fame in the post MTV digital music era.

Don’t get me wrong. As a kid and early teen, I liked Elvis and his music and I still do.  I was exposed to rock and roll at an early age through my mom’s Elvis 45s and albums. While my friends were rocking to Kiss, I was rocking to the King. I even preferred fat Elvis to those crazy makeup-wearing dudes that looked like ladies.  I was rocking  to Burning Love  and Suspicious Minds while my friends were jamming to Detroit Rock City and BethI did not make the connection at the time, but even if Kiss was not my thing, Elvis was part of the rock and roll evolution that taught the youth that they could safely rebel against the status quo through music and song (a rebellion I practice to this day). This rock and roll evolution led to and inspired Kiss and their outrageous antics on stage as well as many other bands and individual artists that preceded Kiss and those that would follow. The influence of Elvis on future pop/rock celebrities goes beyond his singing talent, stage presence, and commercial appeal. His memory also serves as a warning of the dark side of fame.  It was sad enough that Elvis died as a result of the excessive amounts of “prescription” drugs in his system prescribed by his own personal Dr. Feel Good, but it was even worse that he had become a bloated parody of himself by the end of his life.

Elvis serves as a marker for his rock idol celebrity successors not only of how high you can climb, but also how far you can fall and how pathetic you can look during that fall.  This dual nature of fame as personified by the King may explain why his legend continues to appear in many songs today.

In memory of the anniversary of his death I have compiled a list of some of the lyrical references to show how Elvis lives (even for believers) if not in body, at least in spirit and in the minds of many modern day singers as they channel him through their song lyrics while trying to cope with their own personal demons of celebrity and fame.

 

Click on the song titles below to listen to the following songs:

 __________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

My, My, Hey, Hey (Out of the Blue and Into the Black) Neil Young 

 The king is gone but he’s not forgotten
This is the story of Johnny Rotten
It’s better to burn out ’cause rust never sleeps
The king is gone but he’s not forgotten
Hey hey, my my
Rock and roll can never die
There’s more to the picture
Than meets the eye.

 

*****************************  
 She didn’t look too good and yeah and I knew it was close to the end
and I tried to smile and cheer her up, but it’s kind of hard to lose a friend
and then she looked up at me and gave me a little wink,
Said “Don’t worry Hoss, it’s not as bad as you think.
I’ve been everywhere and you know I’ve done everything.
My only regret in life was I never got to meet the King.”
And I said, “Are you talking about Jesus?”
 
She said, “Oh no, bless my soul, I’m talking about the boy from Memphis,
the King of Rock and Roll.”
She said, “Billy, I got all of his records. And I even got a lock of his hair.
Well maybe if I’m good, I’ll see him when I get up there.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

***************************** 

 

Round Here – Counting Crows

 

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she’d like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off says she’s close to understanding Jesus

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

*****************************

 

 

Johnny Bye Bye – Bruce Springsteen

 

Well she drew out all her money from the Southern Trust
And put her little boy on the Greyhound Bus
Leaving Memphis with a guitar in his hand
With a one way ticket to the Promised Land

Hey little girl with the red dress on
There’s party tonight down in Memphis town
I’ll be going down there if you need a ride
The man on the radio says Elvis Presley’s died

We drove to Memphis the sky was hard and black
Up over the ridge came a white Cadillac
They drawled out all his money and they laid him in the back
A woman cried from the roadside “Oh he’s gone, he’s gone”

They found him slumped up against the drain
With a whole lotta trouble running through his veins

 

Bye bye Johnny
Johnny bye bye
You didn’t have to die
You didn’t have to die
 

 *****************************

     
Free Falling – Tom Petty

 

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America, too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend, too

******************************

 

Calling Elvis – Dire Straits

Calling Elvis – is anybody home?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Did he leave the building?
Or can he come to the phone?

Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Well tell him I was calling just to wish him well
Let me leave my number – heartbreak hotel
Oh love me tender – baby don’t be cruel
return to sender – treat me like a fool

Calling Elvis – is anybody home?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Did he leave the building?
Or can he come to the phone?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone

 

Why don’t you go get him – I’m his biggest fan
You gotta tell him – he’s still the man
Long distance baby – so far from home
Don’t you think maybe you could put him on?
 
*************************************             
 
Porcelain Monkey – Warren Zevon   
  
 
 
 
 

 

 

From a shotgun shack singing Pentecostal hymns
Through the wrought iron gates to the TV room
He had a little world, it was smaller than your hand
It’s a rockabilly ride from the glitter to the gloom
Left behind by the latest trends
Eating fried chicken with his regicidal friends
That’s how the story ends
With a porcelain monkey
He threw it away for a porcelain monkey
Gave it all up for a figurine
He traded it in for a night in Las Vegas
And his face on velveteen
   
***********************************

 

Blue Moon Revisited (Song for Elvis)   – Cowboy Junkies

 I only want to say
That if there is a way
I want my baby back with me
’cause he’s my true love
my only one don’t you see?
And on that fateful day
Perhaps in the new sun of May
My baby walks back into my arms
I’ll keep him beside me
forever from harm

 
*****************************
 

 American Pie – Don McLean

 Oh, and while the King was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Lennon read a book of Marx
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died

**********************

If Dirt were Dollars – Don Henley

I was flyin’ back from Lubbock
I saw Jesus on the plane
…or maybe it was Elvis
You know, they kinda look the same

*****************************************

Man on the Moon  –  R.E.M.

Now, Andy did you hear about this one?
Tell me, are you locked in the punch?
Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis?
Hey, baby.
Are we losing touch?

*************************************

RockStar –  Nickelback    

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free

 
 
If you liked this post, please rate my blog on Humor-Blogs.com.

 

 

 

The Visitor – The Reverend Billy C. Wirtz  

Author’s note: Click on the words in green throughout this article for links to related video  and audio clips and supporting articles.

________________________________________________________________________________

by Bob Langham

What the Fox is wrong with Bill O’Reilly?

If Joseph Goebbels  and Joseph McCarthy had a kid together, it would definitely be Bill O’Reilly. However, just being the offspringof these two historical pariahs, probably would not alone have made him the person he is today. (Notice i did not use the word “man”?  I have yet to see him act like one.) The Joes would have also had to have spoiled little Bill as a child and probably as a teen, giving in to every tantrum and catering to his every desire to have molded him into the Bill O’Reilly we all know.

The idea that O’Reilly even has an audience that consists of anyone other than Neanderthals, who still spout catchphrases like, “This is America, love it or leave it,” or “freedom isn’t free man” from the back of a confederate flag draped pickup truck is hard to believe.  Truthfully, I’d be surprised if Bill’s  real family were fans of his.  After some of the behavior he has pulled, and most of the crap he bloviates on the air, they might have requested some kind of arrangement from the infamous Fox Security, similar to the Witness Protection Program.  Because you know there must be a line of people wrapped around the block to have a few words with them about what went wrong when raising little Billy as a child.

Even the hard core handful of Bill’s fans that still hang on to what he spews night after night as the gospel according to Rupert (Murdoch), have to deep down know they are being lied to by nothing more than a cabel TV used car salesman trying to move the inventory.  Instead of sticking us with overpriced lemons that may leave us stranded on the side of the road, O’Reilly’s sales pitch for the right wing has helped the Bush administration stick us with two, almost three unjust wars based on lies, and a Constitution stripped of many of the amendments that we have always been told had a lifetime warranty.

Bill has to be the number one salesman at Rupert’s House of Used Cars, so he can win the set of steak knives at the end of the year when the top producer is rewarded -which is much better than that Peabody Award and easier to secure.  So Bill moves the inventory out the door to a small but loud and rabid clientele – all makes and all models-weapons of mass destruction lies, the right wing agenda, Iran is bad, the liberals want to eat your kids and destroy America, terrorists are behind every Bush (pun intended), the US does not particpate in torture, but if we did, it would work in fighting the alleged war on terror, domestic spying, the mythical war, (but real life distraction) on Christmas, and his delusion of secular progressives (whatever that is) whose motive he claims is to destroy everything good about America.

Somewhere along the line it became the standard in political debate to bring the noise if you can’t bring the facts, and Bill O’Reilly is an expert at bringing the noise, shouting over his guests and cutting off their microphones, unleashing character attacks when the facts don’t serve his argument, and throwing guests out of the studio if they have the audacity to speak the truth not according to Rupert.

As belligerent and hostile as he is to guests on his show, Bill claims he is looking out for you, the common man.  In fact, he cares about you so much the cost for you to have his protection is only 16 bucks and some change not including shipping and handling) and a few of your Constitutional rights.  You see, Bill believes in the sanctity of the Bill of Rights but only as they apply to him and his ability to move his inventory.  Constitutional guarantees like freedom of speech, press, and assembly don’t seem to be that important to Bill, unless they directly affect him.  I guess Bill reads the First 10 amendments and sees the “Bill O’reilly (of) RIghts.”

As a tribute to Bill O’Reilly being so geneous with our Bill of Rights being decimated by the Bush administration, I have compiled a list of just 10 things (there are so many it is hard to choose) Bill has done and said that are just plain wrong on a Constitutional, factual, human decency, and behavioral level. Be sure to click on each heading below to see and hear Bill’s rabid ignorance and get its full effect. 

10. Bill needs a !#$%&*%ing time out– If you ever wondered what becomes of the little brats who throw themselves on the floor of K-Mart and scream and kick and thrash around until their parent gives in and buys them what they want – here is the answer in all of its horrific glory. Does anyone remember how Herman Munster used to have temper tantrums when he really got mad.  Doesn’t Bill bring that to mind here?  Maybe with a little less stage makeup than Herman, but he’s got the moves down.

9. Bill Fights for his right to (Republican) party – Bill seems to hold the rights to freedom of speech and freedom of the press sacred, but only if he and his agenda are being left out in the cold.  Apparently, Bill is such a Constitutional expert, that he was able to find somewhere in the footnotes of the Bill of Rights that freedom of speech and freedom of the press include volume. The louder the better.

8. Book ’em Billo – Meet  Robo  and  Pass the luffa Snorkel Boy – Bill loves to grace his people with books that promote his agenda, but somehow Bill got the idea that he could write sex novels and was also able to convince someone in the publishing industry to release Those Who Trespass for public consumption.  What’s worse, is he didn’t only write this crap, he also reads it himself on the audio book version in his “manly” I’m on the verge of a belch, no nonsense, “I’m all about the facts” Factor voice.

The two excerpts linked above of his audio performance (“Meet Robo” and “Pass the luffa Snorkel Boy”) are from the Stephanie Miller Show and what used to be the Al Franken show so it includes their reaction and commentary.  Fortunately, it makes Bill’s foray or more accurately his trespass into writing porn fiction a little easier to stomach.  Imagine listening to Bill spin this yarn in the darkness of your bedroom. 

It is pretty sad if you can’t even write good porn. Like they said when playing the excerpt on the Stephanie Miller Show, this isn’t even good enough to be a letter to the Penthouse Forum Letters section, and most of those are probably written by guys not wearing pants.  But now that I think of it, no telling what state of dress Bill was in when he wrote this.

Here is one of the nicer Amazon reviews of his novel:

Wow. This was a real-load-in-the-pants. I’m surprised that anyone would actually publish this. I guess that[‘s] a perk when you’re on TV.  The writing was at about 12th grade level, which is surprising, considering that O’Reilly speaks like a nine year old child. I think this book would make good reading  for inmates in Abu Ghraib

 7. His telphone manner was just falafel! (that’s what she said) – I am going to go ahead and get what’s left of Bill’s sex life out of the way now so we can put that darkness behind us and move on to some less nauseating behavior by Bill that happened while his pants were on (let’s hope; he does sit behind a desk on the the show).  This is one of the crusaders for family values and of course he is always looking out for the children as well.  Come sit on Uncle Bill’s lap and I’ll tell you the story of the Magic Loofa.

6. Don’t make me make someone come over there! – Bill, tries to give the impression that he supports the right to dissent and disagree and speak out against the government and the powers that be, and I think he really does, as long as he is the one dissenting and speaking out.  However, if you disagree and speak out against him, or his administration/corporation propaganda pimps,

he will come down on you with the wrath of a rental security agency.  He doesn’t mess around with Blackwater, or Wackenhut he goes straight to the big guns ( I mean flashlights) and unleashes his posse (I said posse) of Fox Security muscle. 

I guess they show up at your door and give you a serious talking to – intervention style.  Doesn’t Bill remind you of the kid in grade school that would take down kid’s names who talked when the teacher was out of the classroom and tattle on them when she got back?  Of course this was the same kid that would drop his pencil on the floor repeatedly trying to sneak a peak up the teacher’s dress.

5. Phil er up and kick those balding tires – Bill shows what a “real man” he is by inviting Phil Donahue, one of the biggest pacifsts since Ghandi’s mother, on his show because Phil dared to have the same point of view as Cindy Sheehan (who lost her son in the Iraq war) opposing the Iraq war.  You see, gentleman that Bill is, he had been trashing and smearing Sheehan on the air about her outspoken stand against the Iraq war – saying that Sheenhan’s dead son would probably not approve of his mom’s stance. Apparently, Bill has been frequenting seances and utilizing Ouija boards for news sources.  Bill probably thought he would be taking the rational, easy going Donahue to the tool shed with a Factor switch, and get home early for some pantsless telephone calls before dinner, but Donahue kicked his ass, factually, intellectually, and emotionally. 

Bill was unable to match his former media peer, so he jettisoned the facts out of the SS Fox pod door and shifted in to a warp volume tirade, because everyone knows loud equals right in the Fox universe.  Bill threatened to personally and forcefully eject Donahue from his studio for pissing on his right wing agenda.  Come on Bill, intimidating Phil Donahue with physical violence?  You might as well challenge Clay Aiken

to a bare knuckle fist fight over who gets to tap Paul Abdul.  Phil is going to wipe up the floor with you without even having to lay a hand on you.  The highlight had to be Donahue calling O’Reilly “Billy” throughout the exchange as if talking to a snot-nosed kid (no stretch at all there).

4. Mourning has broken – We all mourn in different ways.  Jeremey Glick, son of a Port Authority worker who died in the September 11 attacks turned his mourning of his dad’s death into a vehicle for change to try to prevent the kind of U.S. foreign policy and aggression that led to the 911 atacks in the first place from continuing.

How does Bil O’reilly, who claims he has done more for 911 victims’ families than Jeremy could ever hope to do, mourn the victims of 911?  Well, obviously by bullying family members of 911 victims.  

Bill invited Jeremy on his show so he could attempt to justify signing the Not in Our Name Statement of Conscience  which was a petition calling U.S. citizens to resist the policies and overall political direction that emerged since September 11, 2001, and which pose dangers to rest of the world.

Jeremy committed a cardinal sin on Fox – he spilled his facts in Bill’s lap like a pot of scalding coffee.  This is crucial because at Fox News and in Bill’s world, truth is a four letter word.  Bill reacted like his testicles had actually been scorched and he tore into Jeremy relentlessly like a pit bull on a poodle -Shouting at him, insulting him, assaulting his character, twisting his words around to fit his own baseless rant, and yelling at him to SHUT UP!  Did I mention, that this is the son of a 911 victim?

Jeremy kept his cool, pretty well and was able to get some good factual points in around Bill’s rabid spitting and convulsing barrage of propaganda and faux patriotic sound bites, that were most likely phoned in from the Whitehouse prior to the show.  My favorite point that Jeremy made during the exchange, which I’m pretty sure made Bill’s eyes roll back in his head and his genitals shrivel up, was when he said Bill evoked the 911 victims to rationalize everything from domestic plunder to imperialistic aggression worldwide.

Bill returned as he often does to his Ouija board strategy and told Jeremy, that he did not think Jeremy’s dead father would approve of his positions, and then resorted to the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming “LA LA LA LA I am not listening to Jeremy,” until finally, hiding behind Jeremy’s dead father again, Bill said he would not dress Jeremy down out of respect for his father.  As if that were not bad enough, Bill brought Jeremy’s mother into it, by saying he hoped his mother was not watching this, implying that she would be disappointed in her son.

Bill then called for backup, ordering his jackbooted studio thugs to cut Jeremy’s mic so he couldn’t rain on Bill’s propaganda parade any longer.  To get the full effect of how much of an a -hole someone can actually be, you need to watch the video and remind yourself that this is the son of a 911 victim Bill is attacking.

3. An open and Shut (up) case of freedom of speech   You remember the Bill O’Reilly, who holds dear his Constitutional freedom of speech and press?  Finally, you’re thinking there may be one redeeming quality to Bill O’Reilly and a common ground we as a nation can all meet on.  Not so fast Mother Teresa.  Bill only finds these rights important if their absence is causing him to be shut out?  If what you are saying, especially in the form of facts, doesn’t mesh with Bill’s agenda and warped version of the truth, then you are going to get SU’ed (Shut Upped) and he’s going to take you down to browbeat town. 

2. A Liberal show of force  or The Nuclear Option – Bill knows how to protect our country from its enemies.  He refers to his enemies by many names such as the secular progressives (SPs) [a phrase that means absolutely nothing, like partial-birth abortion] but is coined by some political public relations guy to evoke negative connotations in the minds of the uneducated narrow minded zombies (Bill’s core audience) and convince them that the SPs are trying to take Christmas away from Jesus.  Oh yeah, and the SPs are trying to turn everyone gay too and get them married to each other.  Bill also includes among his enemies, liberals, the left wing blogisphere, “left wing media” and the left wing smear merchants.

Regardlless of what label Bill uses for his enemies, they all have one thing in common.  They know that Bill is full of crap and the don’t accept his pontifications as the gospel.  Instead, this roving band from the “left” has the nerve to post actual transcripts, videos, and audio of some of Bill’s most outrageous diatribes verbatim, unedited, and unmanipulated so Bill’s words and actions can speak for themselves.  This really sets Bill off into Tizzy Land and he morphs before our eyes and ears into what he has got to think is a macho no nonsense take no prisoners persona, but to everyone else it comes closer to Barney Fife bringing the Mayberry down on your ass:

 

If you see Bill looking like this, then you are in for a liberal show of force, in which case he’s taking care of business himself, so don’t even waste time shuddering, just drop to your knees and cower at Barney – I mean Bill’s feet because he’s coming for you.  

Just hope and pray you get off that easy and don’t live in a liberal America hating city, because Bill will call in the nuclear option on you and take out your entire city without a second thought.  I get the impression that much of what Bill says and does is without a second thought or even a first thought in most cases.

1. He ain’t heavy, he’s my M-effer – Someone as complex as Bill does everything full throttle.  He even dines out with extreme prejudice (pun intended).  That was the case when Bill either lost a bet with Sean Hannity:

or had to pay off a debt to some billionaire with a twisted sense of humor and ended up going out to dinner with Al Sharpton at restaurant in Harlem.

Bill was amazed that the African American clientele was civilized and well behaved.  He found it notable that the black patrons, and I assume the empoyees as well, were not threatening to bust a cap in his ass, or steal the white women.  They weren’t even swearing up a storm like a rapper with Tourette Syndrome.  Could Bill have walked into some parallel universe where left is right, up is down, and the ink is black the page is white

Thinking this about the black clientele is one thing and it is bad of course. But unless you are in the presence of Kreskin, you could probably get away with it.  Now saying something about these observations is another thing all together, but saying something on the airwaves takes it to a whole new level.  Bill went for the trifecta and did all three.  I think at that moment when Bill related his story about the well-behaved patrons at the Harlem restaurant across the national airwaves, even Jesse Helms spit  his mint julep all over his Klan robe and said, “Daaaaaaamn…Bill!”

Bill later defended his words admirably by presenting the “What?  What did I say? I said the black folk were well-behaved and articulate. What more do you want from me”? defense.

Now, If I had said or done even one of the things in the list above, and I am not even talking about on television or the radio, but just in the presence of my small circle of friends and acquaintances, (I am assuming my audience would be smaller than Bill’s TV and radio audience, but I could be wrong), I would be too embarrassed to show my face in public again.  However, it doesn’t bother Bill.  He keeps going out there and he continues to top the last outrageous thing he did.  But you know what?  I believe so strongly in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, I will defend his right to say whatever he wants no matter how ignorant or inflammatory it is.  If only Bill could have the same kind of tolerance toward me and the rest of world.

-B

If you liked this post, please rate my blog on Humor-Blogs.com

Author’s note: Click on the words in green throughout this article for links to related video clips and supporting articles.

________________________________________________________________________________

We all pose for pictures that we aren’t proud of and that you just want to forget.  Unfortunately, I know by experience, in most cases they come back to haunt you. Remember Vanessa Williams who had her Miss America crown taken away because she posed for a few nude girl on girl pictures?

Come on, speaking from a predominantly male perspective, is there really any harm in that?  Can’t we all just get along? That is what I said back then and that is what I firmly believe today.

I was willing to pass the olive branch right away on that one. But that is just the kind of forgiving person I am.  I should be a freaking diplomat with that level of understanding.  But no, everyone in the mainstream status quo was so shocked about it.

Oh my, we wouldn’t want to taint the image of the Miss America pageant where ladies are paraded in front of the world in skimpy swimsuits and high heels and Vaseline on their teeth to sell a watered down version of sex.  I guess it is all in the packaging as far as the status quo goes.  I mean selling a woman’s sexuality is okay in the Miss America Pageant if they are the ones doing the selling and reaping the advertising rewards.

 

so I guess that’s why it is okay for them to hint at girl on girl action at the pageant also,

but only to a point or you might frighten the masses and they will run screaming toward their houses of worship because you know there is no sex happening there. 

More recently, there was Miss Nevada USA who, believe it or not also had some girl on girl photos surface.

 

I am beginning to see a trend here – ladies hanging out with other ladies in a beauty pageant setting attract ladies who are into chicks, or depending on when the photos were taken, maybe the female camaraderie in a pageant setting, leads to girl on girl activity.  Regardless, once again, diplomat that I am, what’s the problem?  However, cooler heads and more open minds did not prevail and Miss Nevada USA had her title taken away.

Let me just let you in on a little secret, the porn industry is a billion dollar business.  Who do you think is buying and renting that stuff?  You think there is an literal trench coat mafia out there?

My guess would be much of mainstream America likes to partake of offerings behind the metaphorical curtain of the video store of life.  However, because of the Internet and Pay for View etc. (the plain brown wrappers of the computer and digital age) it is just not as obvious.

Which brings me to an important point.  I think everyone should be allowed to do what makes them happy, as long as they are adults, everyone involved is consenting, and the behavior is not illegal.  I bring that up because I firmly believe it and also because I myself have had some photos from my past recently come back to haunt me.

They were sent to me as a reminder of the stupid stuff we do when we are young.  Not by some sleazy down and out photographer trying to cash in by threatening to go public with the pics, but someone a little closer to home.  Yeah, of all people, my brother decided I needed to be reminded that my past never goes away.  And so I am going to launch my own preemptive strike and put these pictures out there with an explanation before the tabloids and my brother strike up some kind of deal.  

Here are the pictures that I know I should have never taken and that I hoped had gone away, accompanied by my rationalizations and excuses that to the best of my knowledge are true. 

First and most importantly, I was an adult (at least 18 as far as I can remember) and the photographer and I were consenting. However, I was young and naive and bored.  You have to remember, back then  there was no Internet,  or personal computers, or 24/7 cable TV, at least in our household.  So my brother and I used to amuse and entertain ourselves by taking goofy pictures of each other to pass the time.  I never thought they would be seen by anyone outside of our family, and the Photomat guy – for those of you too young to remember, this used to be how you got pictures developed before digital cameras.  You would take the actual physical roll of film to a guy in a little booth the size of a vertical Ford Excursion 

and come back a few days later and get your pictures. Oh yeah, we had patience back then, but we just didn’t know it.

So here are my pictures please don’t judge me too harshly.

I am going to firmly state I was no fan of the Village People.

and I rejected everything disco.  Even if you don’t believe this, at least I had the forethought to dress up like the least gay looking (not that there is anything wrong with it, that’s just not my thing) Village Person. But I am going with the story that either I had a construction job interview that day, I was on my way out to my job with all of the other real men on an oil rig, or maybe it was Halloween and this was my idea of an inexpensive last minute costume.

Now that I have explained that one away with out any doubt whatsoever, I submit the next exhibit:

Okay, first of all, this is an old driver’s license picture and we all know those never look good to begin with, so I think I should get a little bit of slack on this one.  Obviously, since it was my license picture I wanted to look my best that day, so I put on a striped collared shirt with the collar turned in and crazy looking like I had stopped along the way to the driver’s license bureau to try to break up a domestic disturbance somewhere, and threw on what appears to be a US Navy standard issue life jacket.  Maybe I had to get my boater’s license picture taken that day too.  As far as my hair goes, I think I was shooting for this look:

But unfortunately, came closer to achieving this look:

Now, we come to what I think is the most incriminating of all of my photos from the past and hopefully once it is out there I can put it behind me and move on:

 

Yes I look like someone who tries to either sell or buy weed on the school bus. But trust me, I have never done drugs of any kind – why I dressed the part of a stoner I don’t know. I guess I will have to plead clueless on that one and assume I didn’t know the implications of the wardrobe I was sporting.  In retrospect, I guess that is why my friends’ parents always hid the brownies and Doritos whenever I came over.

The sleeveless tee shirt, I am sure, had a local rock station logo on it like the one below, advertising a rock station that is now defunct.

and I thought it was cool at the time, but what do I know?  I dressed like Cheech Marin in my teens but with less of a mustache.

Now what about that cheesy mustache of mine that I sort of grew (proudly at the time.)  Didn’t anyone have the heart to tell me that mustaches on guys back then were fuzzy billboards screaming that you belonged to the Kingdom of Dorothy? (once again, not that there is anything wrong with that)  As if that weren’t bad enough, for someone like myself later in life whose 5 o’clock shadow is always several hours early, my mustache back then couldn’t even qualify for a groovy ’70s porn mustache like the one sported by Johnny Holmes below.

which is a shame, because that is the only inadequate attribute I had that kept me out of that billion dollar industry. That and I had a very short — uhh – temper.

I think I was aiming for this look with the mustache though:

But once again, I misfired and came closer to this look:

  

Or this one:

So hopefully, I have adequately explained my past photographic transgressions, and we have all taken something away from this.  Yes we all make mistakes when we are young and naive, but if you overcome those mistakes, learn from them, and move on, you become a better person, and the world will become a better place where maybe all of us can one day just get along.  Until then, Vanessa, and former Miss Nevada, I have your backs.

– B

If you liked this post, please rate my blog on Humor-Blogs.com.

by Bob Langham

A helpful list of some things that you probably shouldn’t say during or after sex:

  • That oughta hold ya.
  • I swallowed my gum.
  • Not it!
  • Do you smell something burning?
  • And most people just get cards for Secretary’s day.
  • I won!
  • Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
  • Can you sign this waiver?
  • Can you break a twenty?
  • Got your nose.
  • I do all of my own stunts.
  • Next
  • Do you validate for parking?
  • GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I want lots and lots of babies.
  • Can I have a do over?

by Bob Langham

This list is a work in progress. As I go through my work week, and my daily life, I will certainly encounter more people that annoy me and of course I will do my best to avoid them and list them on this blog as a community service. 

  • People who say they will “shoot me an e-mail.”
  • Adults who pronounce “striped” as “stripe-ed”  and “naked” as “neckid”
  • Doctors who use slang for body parts- “I am going to need you to get undressed Mrs. Peterson so I can take a look at that cooter.”
  • People who sing Happy Birthday like they are at an Broadway musical audition
  • Adults who wear Santa hats 
  • Co-workers who dial out or check their voicemail on speaker phone
  • People who call me Chief
  • People that give me unsolicited back rubs
  • People who make sound effects in a work environment for no apparent reason
  • People who feel the need to announce their bowel movements – “Gotta go make a deposit.” “I’ll be down the hall losing a few pounds.” “Gotta go send a package special delivery.”
  • Adults who stick their tongue out of their mouth for concentration when writing
  • Guys who are so hairy you cannot tell if they are wearing a shirt or not from a distance
  • People that use numbers in place of letters – For example, 4get about it, L8ter  
  • Anyone who wears a jacket or sweater indoors all year around
  • People who open their car door at a traffic light just to spit on the ground
  • People who sign their pets’ names on greeting cards
  • People who drive while holding their pets
  • Blue tooth phone users – do these people know how stupid they look?
  • People who dress up as the characters in a movie for a movie premier
  • People who think they have immunity from a traffic citation or towing if they put on their hazard lights when parking in a no parking zone
  • People other than Jesus that want to talk to me about Jesus
  • People that audibly clip their nails in public, especially at work
  • People who when mentioning an amount in billions feel obligated to say “That’s billion with a “b.”
  • Women with a belly/gut that wear clothing that exposes their midriff intentionally or not- do these people own a mirror?
  • People who think I should be as fascinated with what they have to say as they are saying it.
  • People who wear theme sweaters that coincide with the season ( pumpkin design on Halloween, Christmas trees/snowmen for Christmas)
  • Adults who think it is cool to play air guitar when they hear a song they really like
  • Guys who think hanging a Playboy bunny logo air freshener from their car rear view mirror will make them a hit with the ladies – so just out of curiosity, what scent do they use for that?
  • People who put Christmas wreaths on their car grills for the holiday season
  • People that put a “Mr.” before my first name when ever they say it (For example, “Mr. Bob, can I talk to you about something.”
  • People who feel like they have to comment on what I am eating at work in the loudest possible voice, so me and my lunch become the center of attention. (For example, “Mr. Bob, SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD! WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?)

« Previous Page