Musings


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We all pose for pictures that we aren’t proud of and that you just want to forget.  Unfortunately, I know by experience, in most cases they come back to haunt you. Remember Vanessa Williams who had her Miss America crown taken away because she posed for a few nude girl on girl pictures?

Come on, speaking from a predominantly male perspective, is there really any harm in that?  Can’t we all just get along? That is what I said back then and that is what I firmly believe today.

I was willing to pass the olive branch right away on that one. But that is just the kind of forgiving person I am.  I should be a freaking diplomat with that level of understanding.  But no, everyone in the mainstream status quo was so shocked about it.

Oh my, we wouldn’t want to taint the image of the Miss America pageant where ladies are paraded in front of the world in skimpy swimsuits and high heels and Vaseline on their teeth to sell a watered down version of sex.  I guess it is all in the packaging as far as the status quo goes.  I mean selling a woman’s sexuality is okay in the Miss America Pageant if they are the ones doing the selling and reaping the advertising rewards.

 

so I guess that’s why it is okay for them to hint at girl on girl action at the pageant also,

but only to a point or you might frighten the masses and they will run screaming toward their houses of worship because you know there is no sex happening there. 

More recently, there was Miss Nevada USA who, believe it or not also had some girl on girl photos surface.

 

I am beginning to see a trend here – ladies hanging out with other ladies in a beauty pageant setting attract ladies who are into chicks, or depending on when the photos were taken, maybe the female camaraderie in a pageant setting, leads to girl on girl activity.  Regardless, once again, diplomat that I am, what’s the problem?  However, cooler heads and more open minds did not prevail and Miss Nevada USA had her title taken away.

Let me just let you in on a little secret, the porn industry is a billion dollar business.  Who do you think is buying and renting that stuff?  You think there is an literal trench coat mafia out there?

My guess would be much of mainstream America likes to partake of offerings behind the metaphorical curtain of the video store of life.  However, because of the Internet and Pay for View etc. (the plain brown wrappers of the computer and digital age) it is just not as obvious.

Which brings me to an important point.  I think everyone should be allowed to do what makes them happy, as long as they are adults, everyone involved is consenting, and the behavior is not illegal.  I bring that up because I firmly believe it and also because I myself have had some photos from my past recently come back to haunt me.

They were sent to me as a reminder of the stupid stuff we do when we are young.  Not by some sleazy down and out photographer trying to cash in by threatening to go public with the pics, but someone a little closer to home.  Yeah, of all people, my brother decided I needed to be reminded that my past never goes away.  And so I am going to launch my own preemptive strike and put these pictures out there with an explanation before the tabloids and my brother strike up some kind of deal.  

Here are the pictures that I know I should have never taken and that I hoped had gone away, accompanied by my rationalizations and excuses that to the best of my knowledge are true. 

First and most importantly, I was an adult (at least 18 as far as I can remember) and the photographer and I were consenting. However, I was young and naive and bored.  You have to remember, back then  there was no Internet,  or personal computers, or 24/7 cable TV, at least in our household.  So my brother and I used to amuse and entertain ourselves by taking goofy pictures of each other to pass the time.  I never thought they would be seen by anyone outside of our family, and the Photomat guy – for those of you too young to remember, this used to be how you got pictures developed before digital cameras.  You would take the actual physical roll of film to a guy in a little booth the size of a vertical Ford Excursion 

and come back a few days later and get your pictures. Oh yeah, we had patience back then, but we just didn’t know it.

So here are my pictures please don’t judge me too harshly.

I am going to firmly state I was no fan of the Village People.

and I rejected everything disco.  Even if you don’t believe this, at least I had the forethought to dress up like the least gay looking (not that there is anything wrong with it, that’s just not my thing) Village Person. But I am going with the story that either I had a construction job interview that day, I was on my way out to my job with all of the other real men on an oil rig, or maybe it was Halloween and this was my idea of an inexpensive last minute costume.

Now that I have explained that one away with out any doubt whatsoever, I submit the next exhibit:

Okay, first of all, this is an old driver’s license picture and we all know those never look good to begin with, so I think I should get a little bit of slack on this one.  Obviously, since it was my license picture I wanted to look my best that day, so I put on a striped collared shirt with the collar turned in and crazy looking like I had stopped along the way to the driver’s license bureau to try to break up a domestic disturbance somewhere, and threw on what appears to be a US Navy standard issue life jacket.  Maybe I had to get my boater’s license picture taken that day too.  As far as my hair goes, I think I was shooting for this look:

But unfortunately, came closer to achieving this look:

Now, we come to what I think is the most incriminating of all of my photos from the past and hopefully once it is out there I can put it behind me and move on:

 

Yes I look like someone who tries to either sell or buy weed on the school bus. But trust me, I have never done drugs of any kind – why I dressed the part of a stoner I don’t know. I guess I will have to plead clueless on that one and assume I didn’t know the implications of the wardrobe I was sporting.  In retrospect, I guess that is why my friends’ parents always hid the brownies and Doritos whenever I came over.

The sleeveless tee shirt, I am sure, had a local rock station logo on it like the one below, advertising a rock station that is now defunct.

and I thought it was cool at the time, but what do I know?  I dressed like Cheech Marin in my teens but with less of a mustache.

Now what about that cheesy mustache of mine that I sort of grew (proudly at the time.)  Didn’t anyone have the heart to tell me that mustaches on guys back then were fuzzy billboards screaming that you belonged to the Kingdom of Dorothy? (once again, not that there is anything wrong with that)  As if that weren’t bad enough, for someone like myself later in life whose 5 o’clock shadow is always several hours early, my mustache back then couldn’t even qualify for a groovy ’70s porn mustache like the one sported by Johnny Holmes below.

which is a shame, because that is the only inadequate attribute I had that kept me out of that billion dollar industry. That and I had a very short — uhh – temper.

I think I was aiming for this look with the mustache though:

But once again, I misfired and came closer to this look:

  

Or this one:

So hopefully, I have adequately explained my past photographic transgressions, and we have all taken something away from this.  Yes we all make mistakes when we are young and naive, but if you overcome those mistakes, learn from them, and move on, you become a better person, and the world will become a better place where maybe all of us can one day just get along.  Until then, Vanessa, and former Miss Nevada, I have your backs.

– B

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by Bob Langham

A helpful list of some things that you probably shouldn’t say during or after sex:

  • That oughta hold ya.
  • I swallowed my gum.
  • Not it!
  • Do you smell something burning?
  • And most people just get cards for Secretary’s day.
  • I won!
  • Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
  • Can you sign this waiver?
  • Can you break a twenty?
  • Got your nose.
  • I do all of my own stunts.
  • Next
  • Do you validate for parking?
  • GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I want lots and lots of babies.
  • Can I have a do over?

by Bob Langham

This list is a work in progress. As I go through my work week, and my daily life, I will certainly encounter more people that annoy me and of course I will do my best to avoid them and list them on this blog as a community service. 

  • People who say they will “shoot me an e-mail.”
  • Adults who pronounce “striped” as “stripe-ed”  and “naked” as “neckid”
  • Doctors who use slang for body parts- “I am going to need you to get undressed Mrs. Peterson so I can take a look at that cooter.”
  • People who sing Happy Birthday like they are at an Broadway musical audition
  • Adults who wear Santa hats 
  • Co-workers who dial out or check their voicemail on speaker phone
  • People who call me Chief
  • People that give me unsolicited back rubs
  • People who make sound effects in a work environment for no apparent reason
  • People who feel the need to announce their bowel movements – “Gotta go make a deposit.” “I’ll be down the hall losing a few pounds.” “Gotta go send a package special delivery.”
  • Adults who stick their tongue out of their mouth for concentration when writing
  • Guys who are so hairy you cannot tell if they are wearing a shirt or not from a distance
  • People that use numbers in place of letters – For example, 4get about it, L8ter  
  • Anyone who wears a jacket or sweater indoors all year around
  • People who open their car door at a traffic light just to spit on the ground
  • People who sign their pets’ names on greeting cards
  • People who drive while holding their pets
  • Blue tooth phone users – do these people know how stupid they look?
  • People who dress up as the characters in a movie for a movie premier
  • People who think they have immunity from a traffic citation or towing if they put on their hazard lights when parking in a no parking zone
  • People other than Jesus that want to talk to me about Jesus
  • People that audibly clip their nails in public, especially at work
  • People who when mentioning an amount in billions feel obligated to say “That’s billion with a “b.”
  • Women with a belly/gut that wear clothing that exposes their midriff intentionally or not- do these people own a mirror?
  • People who think I should be as fascinated with what they have to say as they are saying it.
  • People who wear theme sweaters that coincide with the season ( pumpkin design on Halloween, Christmas trees/snowmen for Christmas)
  • Adults who think it is cool to play air guitar when they hear a song they really like
  • Guys who think hanging a Playboy bunny logo air freshener from their car rear view mirror will make them a hit with the ladies – so just out of curiosity, what scent do they use for that?
  • People who put Christmas wreaths on their car grills for the holiday season
  • People that put a “Mr.” before my first name when ever they say it (For example, “Mr. Bob, can I talk to you about something.”
  • People who feel like they have to comment on what I am eating at work in the loudest possible voice, so me and my lunch become the center of attention. (For example, “Mr. Bob, SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD! WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?)

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