Musings


thinkI was reluctant to join Twitter at first because I truly believed my thoughts were too grand to be contained in 140 characters. Then I realized there was a skill, maybe even an art to getting your point across in fewer words. As a writer by profession, Twitter is a great disciplinary exercise in saying what you have to say in the least and the best chosen words possible.

Twitter is also the optimum venue for introverts who are better at articulating their thoughts in writing than they are at verbalizing their thoughts in person.

Most of my tweets aim for a humours spin on the things in life that are taken too seriously, including life itself, and its evil twin death. As a writer and a reader, I also like to play with words and their meanings and have fun with clichés, idioms, and language overall and how words are spoken, often without much thought at all.

These tweets come to me as snippets of overheard conversations, or as fallout from the constant barrage of our embarrassingly ridiculous 24/7 media culture. Although I strive to be funny, all of these tweets can’t be gold. They are merely drive-by thoughts, I hope will make you smirk or smile at the very least and at best you “laugh out loud” and share them with your Twitter followers.

You can follow me on Twitter @TheTweetOfBob and you can read some of my earlier twistory at the following links:

Random Thoughts – a Transcript of the Voices in My Head

More Random Thoughts – a Continuing Transcript of the Voices in My Head

Random Thoughts Part III – Even More Transcripts of the Voices in My Head

 

Below is a sample of some of my most recent tweets, my Twistory, if you will.

 

*Which demographic is the most prevalent and active when it comes to tweeting? – Birds, duh.

*When people ask me about my relationship with God, I tell them “it’s complicated” and leave it at that.

*You might say she has a bad temper, I say she has mad skills.

*Quit complaining. What did you expect from a cruise line run by carnies? #carnivalcruise

*At what point does “funny” cross the threshold and become “too funny”?

*I got screamed at by the squeegee guy who cleaned my windshield at the traffic light when I paid him with a free hug coupon. How ungrateful.

*Someday I’ll meet that lady who I don’t like, who shares none of my interests, and she’ll feel the same about me. One day I’ll find my so mate.

*It’s so hard to make friends… when you have a restraining order.

*Nothing diminishes the effect of a funny tweet quicker than a typo. Come on proofread your work paypal.

*The best way to stop people from using that “At the end of the day…” cliché is to quickly ask, “You go to bed?” every time they say it.

*“I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials” Is the new “I only read Playboy for the articles.”

*You got to think that Dick Van Dyke and Dick Van Patten get each other’s mail by mistake occasionally.

*If there’s an afterlife, I hope there’s good music. It’d be a tragedy to leave it all behind.

*I only have a few kids, so I consider myself an amateur not a procreator.

I didn’t choose my cell phone plan wisely. Now I think I have a textually transmitted disease.

*That kid’s mom is so hot. I haven’t seen her; I’m just going by word of MILF. #mlf

*I always wash my hands thoroughly after taking Scantron tests because no one can tell me why they are called “Number 2” pencils.

*If a redhead is causing you pain or discomfort, you may be suffering from Gingervitis.

*How cool is “that”? Not half as cool as “this”.

*Do postal workers still have to deliver the mail if it’s raining men?

*I don’t date janitors. They’re high maintenance.

*Don’t dismiss twitter so fast. It takes some mad skills to be clear AND funny in 140 characters.

*It’s only logical that David Blaine and David Copperfield eat more beans than the average person – since it’s the magical fruit and all.

*I love everything about U  (U-turns, U-verse, U-Haul, U-boats).

*During a near death experience when your life passes before your eyes, there’s a blooper reel at the end to lighten things up.

*When you start your sentence with “Can you do me a favor,” it gives me time to think of an excuse not to.

*Research shows that the word gullible used to mean extremely savvy until it was legally changed in the early 1900s.

*Lost parakeet – Huge cash reward – answers to the name “Gullible.”

*Are you saying you’re really good with numbers when you use them instead of words on your “Car 4 Sale Runs Gr8” sign?

*You think I’m big-city street smart since I’m always at the subway – 100% of the time it’s the sandwich place not the train thingy.

*Best thing about Twitter – u see thoughts that would’ve gone unheard b4 – Worst thing – u see thoughts that would’ve gone unheard b4.

*I think it’s odd that a Silver Alert has never been issued for Steve Perry. Don’t stop believing, maybe he’ll turn up.

*So is standing outside your bedroom window with a blaring boom box raised over my head still the proper response when someone favorites one of my tweets?

*Some men see things as they are and ask “why?” I see things that never were and ask “why am I seeing things?”

*This relationship isn’t going to work. You and me are bipolar opposites.

*How was I supposed to know she was a witch? I didn’t spell check.

*Shat happened.

*My favorite Marx Brother is the one with the poor writing skills – Typo.

*Fight only the battles you know you can win. Like with guys who use the word “fancy” as a verb.

*Twitter is the introvert Utopia. And that’s why I’m here.

*Your gold tooth cancels out any prestige you were hoping to get from your blue tooth.

*If I don’t like you and your name is Gina I will pronounce it with a long “I” so watch your “Ps” and “Qs.”

*The best way to get telephone solicitors to quit calling is to answer and talk like Gilbert Gottfried.

*What’s next for Lance Armstrong? A really grueling bicycle paper route.

*Less is more. More or less.

*She sells seashells down by the seashore. I’m going to need to see her Sales and Tax Permit.

*Only in America can you live in a house with 3 bathrooms but have to share the last roll of toilet paper between all 3 until payday.

*I guess I misunderstood how this worked. I thought a good safe word was 32 right-6 left-19 right.

*I’m writing a comprehensive dating manual tentatively titled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Some.”

*Those are some load-bearing hips.

*I don’t think it’s wrong to treat objects as women.

*I can’t go to nude beaches because the ladies are always dressing me with their eyes.

* I’ve been on Twitter too long. I can only speak in 140 character sentences now.

*There’s more mention of genitalia on Twitter than at the AVN Awards Ceremony.

*Einstein’s lesser know Theory of Relativity:  Everyone has at least one weird uncle.

* Rosary beads are the most commonly used G-string. Hey, all of you pagans, the G stands for God.

Christian singles:  What the pious gentleman stuffs in G-strings.

*It was a difficult decision, but to show my commitment to her, I’ve agreed to join “Promise Breakers.”

*“Clothing Donation” keeps showing up on my caller ID. I never answer it. Like I really need more clothes.

*Pulled over for speeding on the way to pick up my date… Cop blocked again!

*You would have a lot fewer followers if you had to use your driver’s license photo as your twitter profile picture.

*Why is the #NRA so opposed to regulating #magazine sizes? Rolling Stone is so much easier to read in the bathtub now that it’s smaller.

*Hey Amazing Siding, you keep coming up on my caller ID. If it’s so amazing, why don’t you ever leave a message?

*“I put my wife’s pants on her one leg at a time. “ – Average guy who doesn’t wear the pants in the relationship.

*Honesty is the best policy-but not always immediately. Just told parents I broke garage window when I was 8. Conscience clear & not grounded.

*It’s surprising how fast a sign language argument can escalate into a slap fight.

*I’m not a vegetarian for the health benefits. It’s because the Chick-fil-A cows are such poor spellers.

*Laughter may be the best medicine, but it’s got a dark side too.  So many people have tripped over me as I ROFLMAO.

*A single discarded shoe lying in the road is no different than you and me. It’s just looking for its sole mate

*One small problem. For us to be soul mates, we both need to have a soul.

*I believe in the separation of church and me.

*I swore like a sailor when I dropped the swear jar. She lost her s*** and all hell broke loose.

*Sometimes I swear like a sailor, but you can’t tell because that sailor is Popeye.

*Post Christmas fact: If you try to return 2 turtle doves and 3 French hens at PetSmart, you can only get a store credit.

*Sadly, my life jumped the shark in its 20th season.

*Does anyone have the Fiscal CliffsNotes?

*You can’t judge a book by its cover, but I know people who decorate their car for Christmas with fuzzy antlers, a wreath, or a Rudolph nose, aren’t the same people with neck tattoos.

*Boy do I have egg on Mayan face.” – People who thought the world would end today.

*Alternate version: “Man, is Myan face red” – People who thought the world was going to end today #Mayans

*What annoys me most about my vegetarian friends is they are always saying “Hey, can you do me a salad?”

*Little known psychological term: Seussian Slip – The unintentional, awkward rhyming of words during normal conversation.  Ex.“I put my drink by the sink.”

*Mall security guards have less law enforcement authority than the policeman from the Village People.

*Febreze is good and all, but not even that can cover the smell of teen spirit.

*Speaking strictly from experience, a barrel of monkeys isn’t really that fun.

*Gay conversion therapy is a too pointless conversion.

*Hitler alienated a lot of people with his Hellier than thou attitude.

*I was a deadbeat slacker in June when my Christmas lights were still up. It’s early December, my lights are up and I’m a trend setter.

*I apologize for my mock outrage at about your mock turtleneck.

* The approval rating of Congress is lower than it is for adults who wear Santa hats in public. That’s sad. Adults shouldn’t wear Santa hats.

*The only way you’ll know I won the lottery is I’ll be wearing solid gold Crocs to work the next day.

*This is my favorite season. Of course I’m talking about McRib season.

*Be warned – If you wear a mock turtle neck, I will mock you without mercy.

*I rely on twitter for my funny, because I don’t know enough funny people in real life.

*I won’t be able to drain pasta anymore after December 21, because all I have is a Mayan colander.

*I’m working on my unauthorized autobiography. I can’t wait to expose this guy for who he really is.

*You can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you don’t have any boots.

*Momma always said life was like a box of Chiclets. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up.

*What’s the maximum Godspeed allowed by law?

*War is not the answer. And quit cheating off me.

*Call me superficial, but I judge people by the way they pronounce library.

*I thought I was watching a really bad episode of  the walking dead – the zombies looked even less soulless than usual, but it was news coverage of Black Friday.

*The pen is mightier than the sword. This explains why nerds need pocket protectors.

*Sorry, I would have tweeted sooner but I was opening up all my free gifts.

*Things you never thought you’d hear: Abraham Lincoln is trending.

*What do you mean “when life gives you lemons”? I always have to pay for mine.

*Reality is a lot easier to face if you make your own.

*Dick Morris’ election predictions TOEtally Suck

*Some people believe the ends justify the mean.

*When someone says they always vote a straight ticket, I can’t help but think what a homophobe.

*Daylight savings time? I’ve been saving time for years and I just can’t get ahead.

*I can’t believe the size of the Occupy protests tonight. Oh, wait; those are trick or treaters.

*Trick or treat tip#1 – for the kids: if you dress up as a collections agent or a repo man, you can get alot more than candy.

*When fitness instructors start getting busted in prostitution rings, it’s a sign of the approaching Zumba apocalypse.

*It’s ok 2 trick or treat for candy, but give candy 2 trick or treaters who come 2 your house too. It’s HalloWEen not HallowMEen.

*When my tweets are politically ambiguous, I get bipartisan favorites and retweets.  I’m such a uniter.

*When I heard “binders of women,” I thought I had tuned into Dexter by mistake instead of the debate.

*Is it neurotic to be stressing about the possible looming Y3K crisis?

*Hope this election isn’t decided by the tire swing voters.

*Somewhere someone is getting really mitt-faced.

*How is it possible for so many to know so little about so much?

*So you have no money and can’t find a job but you can find and afford a squeegee and a bucket?

* I wonder if Bruce Springsteen gets a butt load of Starbucks gift cards on Boss’ Day.

*Life is death’s piñata.

*I think when Fox News has its strategy meeting for how they’ll frame the political narrative for the news cycle, the person in charge says, “Ok everybody put on your thinking crap.”

*If October is National Book Month, then February must be National SparkNotes Month.

You can’t deny that Romney scored higher at last night’s debate in Doucheness.

*I wear one contact lens because I only use a monocle to see better the rest of the time.

*If you’re mistreated every day, it is cruel and usual punishment.

*Don’t pity me for being behind bars for most of my adult life. I make great tips serving drinks to strangers.

*If I was al-Qaeda #2, I’d insist on being called al-Qaeda Jr. because that #2 crap is a death magnet.

*After a hard day at work, I wind down by sending and answering all of my texts. Message therapy is so relaxing.

*The world would be a much better place if people didn’t get fancy, but just got dancy instead.

What happens if an identity thief steals personal information from someone having an identity crisis?

*Don’t bring a beverage to a food fight.

*I went to such a strict high school, I was suspended for second-hand smoking.

*Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s overpriced and can get sticky at times.

*From my cold dead brain…

*He is a wolf in cheap clothing.

*He’s so dishonest, that when he talks it’s not just bull it’s Red Bull.

People in Utah, are running on MT (Mountain time).

*No Fox News is good news.

*It was supposed to pour down rain. There were dark clouds, strong winds, and thunder, but no rain. It was the imperfect storm.

*How do you know when God speaks to you that it isn’t really Morgan Freeman messing with you?

*Your inspiring Bible verses are so much more poignant when you tattoo them on your body.

*It pusses me off when I notice a typo in my tweet after I send it.

*I wasn’t a Latchkey kid but I wish I was a Latchkey adult.

*I must have been a canine in another life, because I always seem to be in the doghouse.

*Knowing that a cobbler is someone who makes shoes, I don’t think I’ll be having any of the peach cobbler today.

*A house divided is a duplex.

*So the band P**** Riot was charged with hooliganism?  A good lawyer can get that reduced to tomfoolery.

*He died doing what he enjoyed:  Living

*Sometimes I hear people say that God is their co-pilot. I’m just happy having Jesus as my yard guy.

*Even his pronunciation of the word cumbersome (clumbersome) was cumbersome.

*Coming face to face with a polar bear would be bad, but coming face to face with a bipolar bear would be much worse.

* The political candidate promised voters they too could have a piece of the pie. Obviously, he was running on wedge issues.

     

by Bob Langham

We have some of our furniture from the family room in the garage while the tile guys are redoing the floors. Carter was out in the garage with the dog hanging out since there is not much to do while the tile guys are working and I hear him yelling “DAAAAD!” which isn’t unusual for him. It could be anything from he’s caught in a bear trap, to he wants a drink of water. So I go out to the garage in no real hurry and I hear him calling me but I can’t see him. He’d fallen off of the arm of the couch and into a pile of empty boxes and could not get out. He said he had been yelling Dad for a while. All total, the boxes probably weigh 32 ounces, compared to Carter’s substantial 1,120 ounces. The dog was resting comfortably on the couch near where Carter fell off, looking like I had some nerve disturbing his nap to rescue Carter from his cardboard catastrophe.  I just looked at the dog and said “Great work Lassie.”  Who needs cable when you have a 6 year old for entertainment?

– Bobman

It is annoying enough to deal with the daily commute every day, but it makes it even more difficult to put up with awful drivers when they display their sound bite mental capacity on their bumpers, unintentionally giving insight into why many of these drivers are not intelligent enough to be operating a heavy piece of machinery in the first place.

To cope with the challenge of sharing the road with these people and their shallow bumper sticker jingoistic philosophy, it is fun to come up with alternative bumper stickers to the mindless vehicular clichés. Here are a few bumper stickers that would be cool to see:

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Keep the Más in Christmas


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I’m Dating Your Daughter and Spending All the Money You’re Sending to Texas A&M


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So Leave Me Alone, I Don’t Want To!
________________________________________________

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My Academically Average Son, Beats Up Your Honor Roll Student for His Lunch Money at Gaylord Elementary

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-Bobman

                                              

 

A Happy Valentines Day greeting from my sensitive undude side:

And a Happy Valentines Day greeting from my insensitive dude side:

-Bobman

*Author’s note: Click on the bolded words throughout this post for links to related video clips.

So what if I came knocking?
Knock, knock, knock
Knock, knock, knocking, hey yeah
And kick, kick, kick
What if I cam knocking
On your front porch tonight?

John Mellenkamp, What if I Came Knocking?

I work very hard for my money and my leisure time so when I’m not at work, I do not want to be bothered.  I’m annoyed by people all week, so the last thing I want when I am chilling in front of the TV, the computer, with my familly, or with a good  book, is to hear a knock on the door or the chime of my doorbell, unless it is Publisher’s Clearinghouse with a one of those over sized prop checks the size of my car,

big_check

 

 

 

 

or Jessica Alba

alba-02

asking me to go away with her for the weekend – for two reasons:

 1. Duh, she’s hot, 

2. She’s bright enough to know that Bill O’Reilly is an a-hole, and confident enough to say it publicly.

However, I am never lucky enough to have a front door visit from either the Clearing House or Jessica. No, these unwelcome front door visits are always solictors.

First of all, the economy is in the tank and getting worse every day, so I have no disposable income. I didn’t even have disposable income when times were good. 

More importantly, if I am going to by a product or service, I am going to do it on the Internet, or in person with a legitimate business. Does anyone who isn’t a time traveler from form the pre-color TV era buy anything at their front door anymore?  This solicitation situation has   gotten out of control.

They come after dark now and sometimes it is reminiscent of the Night of The Living Dead.  Let me illustrate: A week or so ago, one of these solicitors came.  I looked out the peep hole because it was after dark and I wasn’t expecting anyone with any kind of social etiquette at that hour, but I crossed my fingers for Jessica, or the over sized check just in case. I saw someone with a spray bottle of some type of cleaner and a washcloth. That is all I focused on, because you know everyone looks like an organ grinder’s monkey

 organ_grinder

 

 

 

through those peep holes, so there’s no need to try to get a safety read on a person’s face. I shouted through the door – “No Thanks, I’m not interested.”  The solicitor replied with “Bless you,” and left. I thought  that I was safe for the night, but a few minutes later, someone rang my doorbell again – not a polite soft tap “hope your not sleeping ” ring of the doorbell, but a rapid succession of multiple machine gun DING DONGS – the kind reserved for, “I cut my foot off with the lawn mower and I’m bleeding all over your front porch” situations.  I got up from the couch again. Still, in the back of my mind  I was harboring a small hope that Jessica REALLY was desperate for my company- but no, it was one of the spray bottle fairies again. I looked through the peep hole and there was a group of them lurking awkwardly in my yard and driveway like Amway zombies. I yelled again through the door, I’m Not interested!  Someone already came by!”  This person had the nerve to shout back, “When?”

Like it makes a difference. If I wasn’t inerested at some past moment, what makes them think I would be interested at that time? I can go to the store and buy a bottle of  Windex myself. I don’t need a stranger cleaning my kids’ face prints  and boogers off the window.  

I yelled back ,”5 minutes ago!” and that seemed to do the trick.  The  solicitor said “Thanks.” and stumbled away in the darkness with the rest of the bottle carrying zombies.

What’s worse is that some solictiors that show up on my doorstep are not just selling tangible unnecessary products and services, but they also try to sell me their non-tangilble unnecessary products and services like salvation via their religion.

If  there is a God and he wants to talk to me, I am sure he  can get a hold of my my cell number. If he wants to call me on my landline, I’m in the book. Not The Book, but the phone book. Oh well, if He’s omniscient like they say, He will know which book. I don’t think He is  going to send  two bicycle riding Joe Friday look-alikes to convince me to sit in a building full of a temporarily, mindless group of overdressed, hypocritical strangers to communicate with Him when he can just give me a ring or shoot me an e-mail. You know He has got to have the best Internet service available. 

Don’t come to my door to recruit me into your flock, or to save me from my “evil ways.”  Don’t waste my time, or your own by even walking up my driveway. If you do,  I will respond by reciting the gospel according to George Carlin.

The bottom line is, door-to-door profits/prophets are not welcome at my front door. Just so there is no misunderstanding, I think I am going to post this sign at my front door to keep the zombie peddlers away.

no_solicitors1

 Jessica Alba, and Publisher’s Clearing House, of course can disregard.

-B

 

If you liked this post, please rate my blog on Humor-Blogs.com.

*Author’s note: Click on the words in green throughout this article for links to related video and audio clips and supporting articles.

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by Bob Langham

 

Whether you believe he is dead or not, the thirty-first anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death (or disappearance for the non-believers) is this week. I’m personally a believer. I think he is gone or he would have cashed in on the Reality TV bonanza like so many other former rock celebrities (Brett Michaels, Gene Simmons , and Ozzy Osbourne ) whose fame sadly faded with their age and the age of their groupie pools.

Is it too far of a stretch to imagine if Elvis had not died that he would have been the perfect subject for a pathetic reality show centered on him?  I could see him, overweight, shuffling around Graceland in a prescription drug induced stupor, wearing sequined Dickies coveralls,

and a cape made out of a jumbo pillowcase clothes pinned around his neck. He would probably be crooning some of his favorite songs through the halls of his mansion as hangers on still cling to him trying to cash in on what, if anything, is left of his fame in the post MTV digital music era.

Don’t get me wrong. As a kid and early teen, I liked Elvis and his music and I still do.  I was exposed to rock and roll at an early age through my mom’s Elvis 45s and albums. While my friends were rocking to Kiss, I was rocking to the King. I even preferred fat Elvis to those crazy makeup-wearing dudes that looked like ladies.  I was rocking  to Burning Love  and Suspicious Minds while my friends were jamming to Detroit Rock City and BethI did not make the connection at the time, but even if Kiss was not my thing, Elvis was part of the rock and roll evolution that taught the youth that they could safely rebel against the status quo through music and song (a rebellion I practice to this day). This rock and roll evolution led to and inspired Kiss and their outrageous antics on stage as well as many other bands and individual artists that preceded Kiss and those that would follow. The influence of Elvis on future pop/rock celebrities goes beyond his singing talent, stage presence, and commercial appeal. His memory also serves as a warning of the dark side of fame.  It was sad enough that Elvis died as a result of the excessive amounts of “prescription” drugs in his system prescribed by his own personal Dr. Feel Good, but it was even worse that he had become a bloated parody of himself by the end of his life.

Elvis serves as a marker for his rock idol celebrity successors not only of how high you can climb, but also how far you can fall and how pathetic you can look during that fall.  This dual nature of fame as personified by the King may explain why his legend continues to appear in many songs today.

In memory of the anniversary of his death I have compiled a list of some of the lyrical references to show how Elvis lives (even for believers) if not in body, at least in spirit and in the minds of many modern day singers as they channel him through their song lyrics while trying to cope with their own personal demons of celebrity and fame.

 

Click on the song titles below to listen to the following songs:

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My, My, Hey, Hey (Out of the Blue and Into the Black) Neil Young 

 The king is gone but he’s not forgotten
This is the story of Johnny Rotten
It’s better to burn out ’cause rust never sleeps
The king is gone but he’s not forgotten
Hey hey, my my
Rock and roll can never die
There’s more to the picture
Than meets the eye.

 

*****************************  
 She didn’t look too good and yeah and I knew it was close to the end
and I tried to smile and cheer her up, but it’s kind of hard to lose a friend
and then she looked up at me and gave me a little wink,
Said “Don’t worry Hoss, it’s not as bad as you think.
I’ve been everywhere and you know I’ve done everything.
My only regret in life was I never got to meet the King.”
And I said, “Are you talking about Jesus?”
 
She said, “Oh no, bless my soul, I’m talking about the boy from Memphis,
the King of Rock and Roll.”
She said, “Billy, I got all of his records. And I even got a lock of his hair.
Well maybe if I’m good, I’ll see him when I get up there.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Round Here – Counting Crows

 

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she’d like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off says she’s close to understanding Jesus

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Johnny Bye Bye – Bruce Springsteen

 

Well she drew out all her money from the Southern Trust
And put her little boy on the Greyhound Bus
Leaving Memphis with a guitar in his hand
With a one way ticket to the Promised Land

Hey little girl with the red dress on
There’s party tonight down in Memphis town
I’ll be going down there if you need a ride
The man on the radio says Elvis Presley’s died

We drove to Memphis the sky was hard and black
Up over the ridge came a white Cadillac
They drawled out all his money and they laid him in the back
A woman cried from the roadside “Oh he’s gone, he’s gone”

They found him slumped up against the drain
With a whole lotta trouble running through his veins

 

Bye bye Johnny
Johnny bye bye
You didn’t have to die
You didn’t have to die
 

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Free Falling – Tom Petty

 

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America, too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend, too

******************************

 

Calling Elvis – Dire Straits

Calling Elvis – is anybody home?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Did he leave the building?
Or can he come to the phone?

Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Well tell him I was calling just to wish him well
Let me leave my number – heartbreak hotel
Oh love me tender – baby don’t be cruel
return to sender – treat me like a fool

Calling Elvis – is anybody home?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone
Did he leave the building?
Or can he come to the phone?
Calling Elvis – I’m here all alone

 

Why don’t you go get him – I’m his biggest fan
You gotta tell him – he’s still the man
Long distance baby – so far from home
Don’t you think maybe you could put him on?
 
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Porcelain Monkey – Warren Zevon   
  
 
 
 
 

 

 

From a shotgun shack singing Pentecostal hymns
Through the wrought iron gates to the TV room
He had a little world, it was smaller than your hand
It’s a rockabilly ride from the glitter to the gloom
Left behind by the latest trends
Eating fried chicken with his regicidal friends
That’s how the story ends
With a porcelain monkey
He threw it away for a porcelain monkey
Gave it all up for a figurine
He traded it in for a night in Las Vegas
And his face on velveteen
   
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Blue Moon Revisited (Song for Elvis)   – Cowboy Junkies

 I only want to say
That if there is a way
I want my baby back with me
’cause he’s my true love
my only one don’t you see?
And on that fateful day
Perhaps in the new sun of May
My baby walks back into my arms
I’ll keep him beside me
forever from harm

 
*****************************
 

 American Pie – Don McLean

 Oh, and while the King was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Lennon read a book of Marx
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died

**********************

If Dirt were Dollars – Don Henley

I was flyin’ back from Lubbock
I saw Jesus on the plane
…or maybe it was Elvis
You know, they kinda look the same

*****************************************

Man on the Moon  –  R.E.M.

Now, Andy did you hear about this one?
Tell me, are you locked in the punch?
Hey Andy are you goofing on Elvis?
Hey, baby.
Are we losing touch?

*************************************

RockStar –  Nickelback    

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free

 
 
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The Visitor – The Reverend Billy C. Wirtz  

Author’s note: Click on the words in green throughout this article for links to related video  and audio clips and supporting articles.

________________________________________________________________________________

by Bob Langham

What the Fox is wrong with Bill O’Reilly?

If Joseph Goebbels  and Joseph McCarthy had a kid together, it would definitely be Bill O’Reilly. However, just being the offspringof these two historical pariahs, probably would not alone have made him the person he is today. (Notice i did not use the word “man”?  I have yet to see him act like one.) The Joes would have also had to have spoiled little Bill as a child and probably as a teen, giving in to every tantrum and catering to his every desire to have molded him into the Bill O’Reilly we all know.

The idea that O’Reilly even has an audience that consists of anyone other than Neanderthals, who still spout catchphrases like, “This is America, love it or leave it,” or “freedom isn’t free man” from the back of a confederate flag draped pickup truck is hard to believe.  Truthfully, I’d be surprised if Bill’s  real family were fans of his.  After some of the behavior he has pulled, and most of the crap he bloviates on the air, they might have requested some kind of arrangement from the infamous Fox Security, similar to the Witness Protection Program.  Because you know there must be a line of people wrapped around the block to have a few words with them about what went wrong when raising little Billy as a child.

Even the hard core handful of Bill’s fans that still hang on to what he spews night after night as the gospel according to Rupert (Murdoch), have to deep down know they are being lied to by nothing more than a cabel TV used car salesman trying to move the inventory.  Instead of sticking us with overpriced lemons that may leave us stranded on the side of the road, O’Reilly’s sales pitch for the right wing has helped the Bush administration stick us with two, almost three unjust wars based on lies, and a Constitution stripped of many of the amendments that we have always been told had a lifetime warranty.

Bill has to be the number one salesman at Rupert’s House of Used Cars, so he can win the set of steak knives at the end of the year when the top producer is rewarded -which is much better than that Peabody Award and easier to secure.  So Bill moves the inventory out the door to a small but loud and rabid clientele – all makes and all models-weapons of mass destruction lies, the right wing agenda, Iran is bad, the liberals want to eat your kids and destroy America, terrorists are behind every Bush (pun intended), the US does not particpate in torture, but if we did, it would work in fighting the alleged war on terror, domestic spying, the mythical war, (but real life distraction) on Christmas, and his delusion of secular progressives (whatever that is) whose motive he claims is to destroy everything good about America.

Somewhere along the line it became the standard in political debate to bring the noise if you can’t bring the facts, and Bill O’Reilly is an expert at bringing the noise, shouting over his guests and cutting off their microphones, unleashing character attacks when the facts don’t serve his argument, and throwing guests out of the studio if they have the audacity to speak the truth not according to Rupert.

As belligerent and hostile as he is to guests on his show, Bill claims he is looking out for you, the common man.  In fact, he cares about you so much the cost for you to have his protection is only 16 bucks and some change not including shipping and handling) and a few of your Constitutional rights.  You see, Bill believes in the sanctity of the Bill of Rights but only as they apply to him and his ability to move his inventory.  Constitutional guarantees like freedom of speech, press, and assembly don’t seem to be that important to Bill, unless they directly affect him.  I guess Bill reads the First 10 amendments and sees the “Bill O’reilly (of) RIghts.”

As a tribute to Bill O’Reilly being so geneous with our Bill of Rights being decimated by the Bush administration, I have compiled a list of just 10 things (there are so many it is hard to choose) Bill has done and said that are just plain wrong on a Constitutional, factual, human decency, and behavioral level. Be sure to click on each heading below to see and hear Bill’s rabid ignorance and get its full effect. 

10. Bill needs a !#$%&*%ing time out– If you ever wondered what becomes of the little brats who throw themselves on the floor of K-Mart and scream and kick and thrash around until their parent gives in and buys them what they want – here is the answer in all of its horrific glory. Does anyone remember how Herman Munster used to have temper tantrums when he really got mad.  Doesn’t Bill bring that to mind here?  Maybe with a little less stage makeup than Herman, but he’s got the moves down.

9. Bill Fights for his right to (Republican) party – Bill seems to hold the rights to freedom of speech and freedom of the press sacred, but only if he and his agenda are being left out in the cold.  Apparently, Bill is such a Constitutional expert, that he was able to find somewhere in the footnotes of the Bill of Rights that freedom of speech and freedom of the press include volume. The louder the better.

8. Book ’em Billo – Meet  Robo  and  Pass the luffa Snorkel Boy – Bill loves to grace his people with books that promote his agenda, but somehow Bill got the idea that he could write sex novels and was also able to convince someone in the publishing industry to release Those Who Trespass for public consumption.  What’s worse, is he didn’t only write this crap, he also reads it himself on the audio book version in his “manly” I’m on the verge of a belch, no nonsense, “I’m all about the facts” Factor voice.

The two excerpts linked above of his audio performance (“Meet Robo” and “Pass the luffa Snorkel Boy”) are from the Stephanie Miller Show and what used to be the Al Franken show so it includes their reaction and commentary.  Fortunately, it makes Bill’s foray or more accurately his trespass into writing porn fiction a little easier to stomach.  Imagine listening to Bill spin this yarn in the darkness of your bedroom. 

It is pretty sad if you can’t even write good porn. Like they said when playing the excerpt on the Stephanie Miller Show, this isn’t even good enough to be a letter to the Penthouse Forum Letters section, and most of those are probably written by guys not wearing pants.  But now that I think of it, no telling what state of dress Bill was in when he wrote this.

Here is one of the nicer Amazon reviews of his novel:

Wow. This was a real-load-in-the-pants. I’m surprised that anyone would actually publish this. I guess that[‘s] a perk when you’re on TV.  The writing was at about 12th grade level, which is surprising, considering that O’Reilly speaks like a nine year old child. I think this book would make good reading  for inmates in Abu Ghraib

 7. His telphone manner was just falafel! (that’s what she said) – I am going to go ahead and get what’s left of Bill’s sex life out of the way now so we can put that darkness behind us and move on to some less nauseating behavior by Bill that happened while his pants were on (let’s hope; he does sit behind a desk on the the show).  This is one of the crusaders for family values and of course he is always looking out for the children as well.  Come sit on Uncle Bill’s lap and I’ll tell you the story of the Magic Loofa.

6. Don’t make me make someone come over there! – Bill, tries to give the impression that he supports the right to dissent and disagree and speak out against the government and the powers that be, and I think he really does, as long as he is the one dissenting and speaking out.  However, if you disagree and speak out against him, or his administration/corporation propaganda pimps,

he will come down on you with the wrath of a rental security agency.  He doesn’t mess around with Blackwater, or Wackenhut he goes straight to the big guns ( I mean flashlights) and unleashes his posse (I said posse) of Fox Security muscle. 

I guess they show up at your door and give you a serious talking to – intervention style.  Doesn’t Bill remind you of the kid in grade school that would take down kid’s names who talked when the teacher was out of the classroom and tattle on them when she got back?  Of course this was the same kid that would drop his pencil on the floor repeatedly trying to sneak a peak up the teacher’s dress.

5. Phil er up and kick those balding tires – Bill shows what a “real man” he is by inviting Phil Donahue, one of the biggest pacifsts since Ghandi’s mother, on his show because Phil dared to have the same point of view as Cindy Sheehan (who lost her son in the Iraq war) opposing the Iraq war.  You see, gentleman that Bill is, he had been trashing and smearing Sheehan on the air about her outspoken stand against the Iraq war – saying that Sheenhan’s dead son would probably not approve of his mom’s stance. Apparently, Bill has been frequenting seances and utilizing Ouija boards for news sources.  Bill probably thought he would be taking the rational, easy going Donahue to the tool shed with a Factor switch, and get home early for some pantsless telephone calls before dinner, but Donahue kicked his ass, factually, intellectually, and emotionally. 

Bill was unable to match his former media peer, so he jettisoned the facts out of the SS Fox pod door and shifted in to a warp volume tirade, because everyone knows loud equals right in the Fox universe.  Bill threatened to personally and forcefully eject Donahue from his studio for pissing on his right wing agenda.  Come on Bill, intimidating Phil Donahue with physical violence?  You might as well challenge Clay Aiken

to a bare knuckle fist fight over who gets to tap Paul Abdul.  Phil is going to wipe up the floor with you without even having to lay a hand on you.  The highlight had to be Donahue calling O’Reilly “Billy” throughout the exchange as if talking to a snot-nosed kid (no stretch at all there).

4. Mourning has broken – We all mourn in different ways.  Jeremey Glick, son of a Port Authority worker who died in the September 11 attacks turned his mourning of his dad’s death into a vehicle for change to try to prevent the kind of U.S. foreign policy and aggression that led to the 911 atacks in the first place from continuing.

How does Bil O’reilly, who claims he has done more for 911 victims’ families than Jeremy could ever hope to do, mourn the victims of 911?  Well, obviously by bullying family members of 911 victims.  

Bill invited Jeremy on his show so he could attempt to justify signing the Not in Our Name Statement of Conscience  which was a petition calling U.S. citizens to resist the policies and overall political direction that emerged since September 11, 2001, and which pose dangers to rest of the world.

Jeremy committed a cardinal sin on Fox – he spilled his facts in Bill’s lap like a pot of scalding coffee.  This is crucial because at Fox News and in Bill’s world, truth is a four letter word.  Bill reacted like his testicles had actually been scorched and he tore into Jeremy relentlessly like a pit bull on a poodle -Shouting at him, insulting him, assaulting his character, twisting his words around to fit his own baseless rant, and yelling at him to SHUT UP!  Did I mention, that this is the son of a 911 victim?

Jeremy kept his cool, pretty well and was able to get some good factual points in around Bill’s rabid spitting and convulsing barrage of propaganda and faux patriotic sound bites, that were most likely phoned in from the Whitehouse prior to the show.  My favorite point that Jeremy made during the exchange, which I’m pretty sure made Bill’s eyes roll back in his head and his genitals shrivel up, was when he said Bill evoked the 911 victims to rationalize everything from domestic plunder to imperialistic aggression worldwide.

Bill returned as he often does to his Ouija board strategy and told Jeremy, that he did not think Jeremy’s dead father would approve of his positions, and then resorted to the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming “LA LA LA LA I am not listening to Jeremy,” until finally, hiding behind Jeremy’s dead father again, Bill said he would not dress Jeremy down out of respect for his father.  As if that were not bad enough, Bill brought Jeremy’s mother into it, by saying he hoped his mother was not watching this, implying that she would be disappointed in her son.

Bill then called for backup, ordering his jackbooted studio thugs to cut Jeremy’s mic so he couldn’t rain on Bill’s propaganda parade any longer.  To get the full effect of how much of an a -hole someone can actually be, you need to watch the video and remind yourself that this is the son of a 911 victim Bill is attacking.

3. An open and Shut (up) case of freedom of speech   You remember the Bill O’Reilly, who holds dear his Constitutional freedom of speech and press?  Finally, you’re thinking there may be one redeeming quality to Bill O’Reilly and a common ground we as a nation can all meet on.  Not so fast Mother Teresa.  Bill only finds these rights important if their absence is causing him to be shut out?  If what you are saying, especially in the form of facts, doesn’t mesh with Bill’s agenda and warped version of the truth, then you are going to get SU’ed (Shut Upped) and he’s going to take you down to browbeat town. 

2. A Liberal show of force  or The Nuclear Option – Bill knows how to protect our country from its enemies.  He refers to his enemies by many names such as the secular progressives (SPs) [a phrase that means absolutely nothing, like partial-birth abortion] but is coined by some political public relations guy to evoke negative connotations in the minds of the uneducated narrow minded zombies (Bill’s core audience) and convince them that the SPs are trying to take Christmas away from Jesus.  Oh yeah, and the SPs are trying to turn everyone gay too and get them married to each other.  Bill also includes among his enemies, liberals, the left wing blogisphere, “left wing media” and the left wing smear merchants.

Regardlless of what label Bill uses for his enemies, they all have one thing in common.  They know that Bill is full of crap and the don’t accept his pontifications as the gospel.  Instead, this roving band from the “left” has the nerve to post actual transcripts, videos, and audio of some of Bill’s most outrageous diatribes verbatim, unedited, and unmanipulated so Bill’s words and actions can speak for themselves.  This really sets Bill off into Tizzy Land and he morphs before our eyes and ears into what he has got to think is a macho no nonsense take no prisoners persona, but to everyone else it comes closer to Barney Fife bringing the Mayberry down on your ass:

 

If you see Bill looking like this, then you are in for a liberal show of force, in which case he’s taking care of business himself, so don’t even waste time shuddering, just drop to your knees and cower at Barney – I mean Bill’s feet because he’s coming for you.  

Just hope and pray you get off that easy and don’t live in a liberal America hating city, because Bill will call in the nuclear option on you and take out your entire city without a second thought.  I get the impression that much of what Bill says and does is without a second thought or even a first thought in most cases.

1. He ain’t heavy, he’s my M-effer – Someone as complex as Bill does everything full throttle.  He even dines out with extreme prejudice (pun intended).  That was the case when Bill either lost a bet with Sean Hannity:

or had to pay off a debt to some billionaire with a twisted sense of humor and ended up going out to dinner with Al Sharpton at restaurant in Harlem.

Bill was amazed that the African American clientele was civilized and well behaved.  He found it notable that the black patrons, and I assume the empoyees as well, were not threatening to bust a cap in his ass, or steal the white women.  They weren’t even swearing up a storm like a rapper with Tourette Syndrome.  Could Bill have walked into some parallel universe where left is right, up is down, and the ink is black the page is white

Thinking this about the black clientele is one thing and it is bad of course. But unless you are in the presence of Kreskin, you could probably get away with it.  Now saying something about these observations is another thing all together, but saying something on the airwaves takes it to a whole new level.  Bill went for the trifecta and did all three.  I think at that moment when Bill related his story about the well-behaved patrons at the Harlem restaurant across the national airwaves, even Jesse Helms spit  his mint julep all over his Klan robe and said, “Daaaaaaamn…Bill!”

Bill later defended his words admirably by presenting the “What?  What did I say? I said the black folk were well-behaved and articulate. What more do you want from me”? defense.

Now, If I had said or done even one of the things in the list above, and I am not even talking about on television or the radio, but just in the presence of my small circle of friends and acquaintances, (I am assuming my audience would be smaller than Bill’s TV and radio audience, but I could be wrong), I would be too embarrassed to show my face in public again.  However, it doesn’t bother Bill.  He keeps going out there and he continues to top the last outrageous thing he did.  But you know what?  I believe so strongly in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, I will defend his right to say whatever he wants no matter how ignorant or inflammatory it is.  If only Bill could have the same kind of tolerance toward me and the rest of world.

-B

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