thinkI was reluctant to join Twitter at first because I truly believed my thoughts were too grand to be contained in 140 characters. Then I realized there was a skill, maybe even an art to getting your point across in fewer words. As a writer by profession, Twitter is a great disciplinary exercise in saying what you have to say in the least and the best chosen words possible.

Twitter is also the optimum venue for introverts who are better at articulating their thoughts in writing than they are at verbalizing their thoughts in person.

Most of my tweets aim for a humours spin on the things in life that are taken too seriously, including life itself, and its evil twin death. As a writer and a reader, I also like to play with words and their meanings and have fun with clichés, idioms, and language overall and how words are spoken, often without much thought at all.

These tweets come to me as snippets of overheard conversations, or as fallout from the constant barrage of our embarrassingly ridiculous 24/7 media culture. Although I strive to be funny, all of these tweets can’t be gold. They are merely drive-by thoughts, I hope will make you smirk or smile at the very least and at best you “laugh out loud” and share them with your Twitter followers.

You can follow me on Twitter @TheTweetOfBob and you can read some of my earlier twistory at the following links:

Random Thoughts – a Transcript of the Voices in My Head

More Random Thoughts – a Continuing Transcript of the Voices in My Head

Random Thoughts Part III – Even More Transcripts of the Voices in My Head

 

Below is a sample of some of my most recent tweets, my Twistory, if you will.

 

*Which demographic is the most prevalent and active when it comes to tweeting? – Birds, duh.

*When people ask me about my relationship with God, I tell them “it’s complicated” and leave it at that.

*You might say she has a bad temper, I say she has mad skills.

*Quit complaining. What did you expect from a cruise line run by carnies? #carnivalcruise

*At what point does “funny” cross the threshold and become “too funny”?

*I got screamed at by the squeegee guy who cleaned my windshield at the traffic light when I paid him with a free hug coupon. How ungrateful.

*Someday I’ll meet that lady who I don’t like, who shares none of my interests, and she’ll feel the same about me. One day I’ll find my so mate.

*It’s so hard to make friends… when you have a restraining order.

*Nothing diminishes the effect of a funny tweet quicker than a typo. Come on proofread your work paypal.

*The best way to stop people from using that “At the end of the day…” cliché is to quickly ask, “You go to bed?” every time they say it.

*“I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials” Is the new “I only read Playboy for the articles.”

*You got to think that Dick Van Dyke and Dick Van Patten get each other’s mail by mistake occasionally.

*If there’s an afterlife, I hope there’s good music. It’d be a tragedy to leave it all behind.

*I only have a few kids, so I consider myself an amateur not a procreator.

I didn’t choose my cell phone plan wisely. Now I think I have a textually transmitted disease.

*That kid’s mom is so hot. I haven’t seen her; I’m just going by word of MILF. #mlf

*I always wash my hands thoroughly after taking Scantron tests because no one can tell me why they are called “Number 2” pencils.

*If a redhead is causing you pain or discomfort, you may be suffering from Gingervitis.

*How cool is “that”? Not half as cool as “this”.

*Do postal workers still have to deliver the mail if it’s raining men?

*I don’t date janitors. They’re high maintenance.

*Don’t dismiss twitter so fast. It takes some mad skills to be clear AND funny in 140 characters.

*It’s only logical that David Blaine and David Copperfield eat more beans than the average person – since it’s the magical fruit and all.

*I love everything about U  (U-turns, U-verse, U-Haul, U-boats).

*During a near death experience when your life passes before your eyes, there’s a blooper reel at the end to lighten things up.

*When you start your sentence with “Can you do me a favor,” it gives me time to think of an excuse not to.

*Research shows that the word gullible used to mean extremely savvy until it was legally changed in the early 1900s.

*Lost parakeet – Huge cash reward – answers to the name “Gullible.”

*Are you saying you’re really good with numbers when you use them instead of words on your “Car 4 Sale Runs Gr8” sign?

*You think I’m big-city street smart since I’m always at the subway – 100% of the time it’s the sandwich place not the train thingy.

*Best thing about Twitter – u see thoughts that would’ve gone unheard b4 – Worst thing – u see thoughts that would’ve gone unheard b4.

*I think it’s odd that a Silver Alert has never been issued for Steve Perry. Don’t stop believing, maybe he’ll turn up.

*So is standing outside your bedroom window with a blaring boom box raised over my head still the proper response when someone favorites one of my tweets?

*Some men see things as they are and ask “why?” I see things that never were and ask “why am I seeing things?”

*This relationship isn’t going to work. You and me are bipolar opposites.

*How was I supposed to know she was a witch? I didn’t spell check.

*Shat happened.

*My favorite Marx Brother is the one with the poor writing skills – Typo.

*Fight only the battles you know you can win. Like with guys who use the word “fancy” as a verb.

*Twitter is the introvert Utopia. And that’s why I’m here.

*Your gold tooth cancels out any prestige you were hoping to get from your blue tooth.

*If I don’t like you and your name is Gina I will pronounce it with a long “I” so watch your “Ps” and “Qs.”

*The best way to get telephone solicitors to quit calling is to answer and talk like Gilbert Gottfried.

*What’s next for Lance Armstrong? A really grueling bicycle paper route.

*Less is more. More or less.

*She sells seashells down by the seashore. I’m going to need to see her Sales and Tax Permit.

*Only in America can you live in a house with 3 bathrooms but have to share the last roll of toilet paper between all 3 until payday.

*I guess I misunderstood how this worked. I thought a good safe word was 32 right-6 left-19 right.

*I’m writing a comprehensive dating manual tentatively titled “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Some.”

*Those are some load-bearing hips.

*I don’t think it’s wrong to treat objects as women.

*I can’t go to nude beaches because the ladies are always dressing me with their eyes.

* I’ve been on Twitter too long. I can only speak in 140 character sentences now.

*There’s more mention of genitalia on Twitter than at the AVN Awards Ceremony.

*Einstein’s lesser know Theory of Relativity:  Everyone has at least one weird uncle.

* Rosary beads are the most commonly used G-string. Hey, all of you pagans, the G stands for God.

Christian singles:  What the pious gentleman stuffs in G-strings.

*It was a difficult decision, but to show my commitment to her, I’ve agreed to join “Promise Breakers.”

*“Clothing Donation” keeps showing up on my caller ID. I never answer it. Like I really need more clothes.

*Pulled over for speeding on the way to pick up my date… Cop blocked again!

*You would have a lot fewer followers if you had to use your driver’s license photo as your twitter profile picture.

*Why is the #NRA so opposed to regulating #magazine sizes? Rolling Stone is so much easier to read in the bathtub now that it’s smaller.

*Hey Amazing Siding, you keep coming up on my caller ID. If it’s so amazing, why don’t you ever leave a message?

*“I put my wife’s pants on her one leg at a time. “ – Average guy who doesn’t wear the pants in the relationship.

*Honesty is the best policy-but not always immediately. Just told parents I broke garage window when I was 8. Conscience clear & not grounded.

*It’s surprising how fast a sign language argument can escalate into a slap fight.

*I’m not a vegetarian for the health benefits. It’s because the Chick-fil-A cows are such poor spellers.

*Laughter may be the best medicine, but it’s got a dark side too.  So many people have tripped over me as I ROFLMAO.

*A single discarded shoe lying in the road is no different than you and me. It’s just looking for its sole mate

*One small problem. For us to be soul mates, we both need to have a soul.

*I believe in the separation of church and me.

*I swore like a sailor when I dropped the swear jar. She lost her s*** and all hell broke loose.

*Sometimes I swear like a sailor, but you can’t tell because that sailor is Popeye.

*Post Christmas fact: If you try to return 2 turtle doves and 3 French hens at PetSmart, you can only get a store credit.

*Sadly, my life jumped the shark in its 20th season.

*Does anyone have the Fiscal CliffsNotes?

*You can’t judge a book by its cover, but I know people who decorate their car for Christmas with fuzzy antlers, a wreath, or a Rudolph nose, aren’t the same people with neck tattoos.

*Boy do I have egg on Mayan face.” – People who thought the world would end today.

*Alternate version: “Man, is Myan face red” – People who thought the world was going to end today #Mayans

*What annoys me most about my vegetarian friends is they are always saying “Hey, can you do me a salad?”

*Little known psychological term: Seussian Slip – The unintentional, awkward rhyming of words during normal conversation.  Ex.“I put my drink by the sink.”

*Mall security guards have less law enforcement authority than the policeman from the Village People.

*Febreze is good and all, but not even that can cover the smell of teen spirit.

*Speaking strictly from experience, a barrel of monkeys isn’t really that fun.

*Gay conversion therapy is a too pointless conversion.

*Hitler alienated a lot of people with his Hellier than thou attitude.

*I was a deadbeat slacker in June when my Christmas lights were still up. It’s early December, my lights are up and I’m a trend setter.

*I apologize for my mock outrage at about your mock turtleneck.

* The approval rating of Congress is lower than it is for adults who wear Santa hats in public. That’s sad. Adults shouldn’t wear Santa hats.

*The only way you’ll know I won the lottery is I’ll be wearing solid gold Crocs to work the next day.

*This is my favorite season. Of course I’m talking about McRib season.

*Be warned – If you wear a mock turtle neck, I will mock you without mercy.

*I rely on twitter for my funny, because I don’t know enough funny people in real life.

*I won’t be able to drain pasta anymore after December 21, because all I have is a Mayan colander.

*I’m working on my unauthorized autobiography. I can’t wait to expose this guy for who he really is.

*You can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you don’t have any boots.

*Momma always said life was like a box of Chiclets. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up.

*What’s the maximum Godspeed allowed by law?

*War is not the answer. And quit cheating off me.

*Call me superficial, but I judge people by the way they pronounce library.

*I thought I was watching a really bad episode of  the walking dead – the zombies looked even less soulless than usual, but it was news coverage of Black Friday.

*The pen is mightier than the sword. This explains why nerds need pocket protectors.

*Sorry, I would have tweeted sooner but I was opening up all my free gifts.

*Things you never thought you’d hear: Abraham Lincoln is trending.

*What do you mean “when life gives you lemons”? I always have to pay for mine.

*Reality is a lot easier to face if you make your own.

*Dick Morris’ election predictions TOEtally Suck

*Some people believe the ends justify the mean.

*When someone says they always vote a straight ticket, I can’t help but think what a homophobe.

*Daylight savings time? I’ve been saving time for years and I just can’t get ahead.

*I can’t believe the size of the Occupy protests tonight. Oh, wait; those are trick or treaters.

*Trick or treat tip#1 – for the kids: if you dress up as a collections agent or a repo man, you can get alot more than candy.

*When fitness instructors start getting busted in prostitution rings, it’s a sign of the approaching Zumba apocalypse.

*It’s ok 2 trick or treat for candy, but give candy 2 trick or treaters who come 2 your house too. It’s HalloWEen not HallowMEen.

*When my tweets are politically ambiguous, I get bipartisan favorites and retweets.  I’m such a uniter.

*When I heard “binders of women,” I thought I had tuned into Dexter by mistake instead of the debate.

*Is it neurotic to be stressing about the possible looming Y3K crisis?

*Hope this election isn’t decided by the tire swing voters.

*Somewhere someone is getting really mitt-faced.

*How is it possible for so many to know so little about so much?

*So you have no money and can’t find a job but you can find and afford a squeegee and a bucket?

* I wonder if Bruce Springsteen gets a butt load of Starbucks gift cards on Boss’ Day.

*Life is death’s piñata.

*I think when Fox News has its strategy meeting for how they’ll frame the political narrative for the news cycle, the person in charge says, “Ok everybody put on your thinking crap.”

*If October is National Book Month, then February must be National SparkNotes Month.

You can’t deny that Romney scored higher at last night’s debate in Doucheness.

*I wear one contact lens because I only use a monocle to see better the rest of the time.

*If you’re mistreated every day, it is cruel and usual punishment.

*Don’t pity me for being behind bars for most of my adult life. I make great tips serving drinks to strangers.

*If I was al-Qaeda #2, I’d insist on being called al-Qaeda Jr. because that #2 crap is a death magnet.

*After a hard day at work, I wind down by sending and answering all of my texts. Message therapy is so relaxing.

*The world would be a much better place if people didn’t get fancy, but just got dancy instead.

What happens if an identity thief steals personal information from someone having an identity crisis?

*Don’t bring a beverage to a food fight.

*I went to such a strict high school, I was suspended for second-hand smoking.

*Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s overpriced and can get sticky at times.

*From my cold dead brain…

*He is a wolf in cheap clothing.

*He’s so dishonest, that when he talks it’s not just bull it’s Red Bull.

People in Utah, are running on MT (Mountain time).

*No Fox News is good news.

*It was supposed to pour down rain. There were dark clouds, strong winds, and thunder, but no rain. It was the imperfect storm.

*How do you know when God speaks to you that it isn’t really Morgan Freeman messing with you?

*Your inspiring Bible verses are so much more poignant when you tattoo them on your body.

*It pusses me off when I notice a typo in my tweet after I send it.

*I wasn’t a Latchkey kid but I wish I was a Latchkey adult.

*I must have been a canine in another life, because I always seem to be in the doghouse.

*Knowing that a cobbler is someone who makes shoes, I don’t think I’ll be having any of the peach cobbler today.

*A house divided is a duplex.

*So the band P**** Riot was charged with hooliganism?  A good lawyer can get that reduced to tomfoolery.

*He died doing what he enjoyed:  Living

*Sometimes I hear people say that God is their co-pilot. I’m just happy having Jesus as my yard guy.

*Even his pronunciation of the word cumbersome (clumbersome) was cumbersome.

*Coming face to face with a polar bear would be bad, but coming face to face with a bipolar bear would be much worse.

* The political candidate promised voters they too could have a piece of the pie. Obviously, he was running on wedge issues.

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